Four years on…

I had a bit of an epiphany recently, yesterday in fact. This was brought about by the fact that I filed for divorce 4 years previously. The night (and day) before last I was not in a great mood, grumpy, miserable with a dollop of useless thrown in for good measure. I had put this down at first to a bad night’s sleep and an early morning SERV call.

When I realised it wasn’t just that, I told myself off, quite forcefully too. I have achieved much more in the last 4 years than I ever thought possible and even more than I had in the previous 4 years. I wrote a list of how I am now worse off than when I was married, there is only 1 item on it, money. I am financially worse off, but that is it!

The list of things I have achieved and am proud of is huge, way bigger than I could have ever imagined. I’ve had a lot of support on this bit of my journey but there is much I have done on my own and I am insanely proud of that.

So, today is a real new start, I am going to be kinder to myself, push myself were necessary and properly build myself back up to the person I once was. I’m under no illusions, it’ll take time and I may wobble but I will get there.

My mental health is still tricky and I am still on medication but, I asked for that help so that makes me strong, doesn’t it?

Watch out world, Sarah IS free! 🙂

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Reflecting

A year ago my life was all over the place. I was newly divorced, the marital home (which I was still living in) had been sold and I’d been signed off work with depression. I didn’t know where I was going to live, how I was going to afford it or what my future at work held for me. It was all too scary I tried to ignore it which, of course, didn’t work!

Now, I have a little rented place of my own which I am far more comfortable in than I ever was in the marital home. I am at university, something I never thought I’d achieve.
But, more importantly and somewhat sad is that I can count my true friends on one hand. I’m not that sad about it though as the friends I have are the ones I’m keeping a very tight hold of 🙂

Job Centre time

To cut a very long and boring story short, last year, I had a job that made me feel worthless and I got divorced. Cue depression. I’m not talking about the “oh I can’t be bothered” type ennui. I mean actual, thinking of ending it all depression.
My GP was amazing and I ended up on medication, signed off from work and having counseling.
Fast forward a year and I’m studying part time, still struggling with the depression, still medicated and on benefits.
Today, I have to go to the job centre to meet with my personal advisor, I’ve met her once before. I believe I should have had more dealings with her by now but as it took Atos almost 4 months to make a decision following my medical, I’ve been left to get on with things myself.
I am now worried that this advisor has turned into an evil dragon since I last saw her and will decide that I am a worthless human. However, having worked in a job centre myself I know that rarely happens!
I don’t cope overly well with being told what to do at the moment, I’m trying to regain my “old me” and that takes most of my energy. I know I’m probably worried about nothing but I’ve been left to my in devices since January and am worried this may now bite me in the butt!
Now I’ve got that off my chest, I’d best get up from under my snuggly duvet and get myself ready for the day ahead.

Exciting stuff

Well, no post last week, sorry about that but I was hugely busy with Uni. I had 2 court visits to do and an extra class so I was literally out at Uni or on Uni related things every day last week. I won’t say anything about the court visits as there is so much I could say but not sure there’s much I can say legally.

And in other news, I have celebrated the first anniversary of my divorce and I coined the word divorceversary in honour of it, why not, right?

Today is my birthday, I have reached the ripe old age of 39 and have discovered that I truly am comfortable in my own skin, finally! In celebration I had 3 awesome days of breakfasts, chocolate on Saturday, cake on Sunday and pain au chocolat today. Tomorrow’s toast or porridge will seem boring in comparison.

And just to cheer (or upset) you all, there are 70 days left until 2013! Have fun, I’ll be back soon.